My friend feels that her breasts are getting larger because of masturbation. Is this possible?

No. Does she think the clitoris is an air pump?

My husband and I are worried at the behaviour of our three-year-old who has started playing with his genitals, even in front of guests. How shall we make him understand that he should not do this?

As parents you need not be alarmed as genital play among children occurs in the best of homes. No drastic measures are needed—just handle the matter casually and divert the child’s attention. When the child is around six years old or more, you may without humiliating, threatening or punishing and at a suitable opportunity, tell the child that such behaviour will not be acceptable. Appealing to the child’s pride and sense of responsibility may be all that needs to be done. If the child persists, then take him to a child psychologist.

I am a twenty-two-year-old unmarried man. Opposite my building, an attractive woman in her early thirties has rented an apartment. She changes her clothes with the window open. Initially, I thought she was being absent-minded, and I enjoyed the view. However, a few days ago, she came to the window naked, looked at me and smiled. This has been going on for a few days. All this while, I masturbated and controlled myself, but now I am unable to get over it as she is quite hot.

You must be having binoculars for eyes to see her smile from that distance and guess her age. Do some detective work and bump into her when she is off to work. However, be warned against unsafe sex with an unknown partner. Also, beware of being conned or blackmailed.

After having sex four times a day, I feel weak the next day. For about five minutes, my vision goes blank and I can’t see anything properly. Please help.

What do you expect? Shouts of ‘hurray’ and ‘I am a champion’ all over town?

I am nineteen years old and my husband is thirty-two. We have sex every morning. When he was out of town for a few days, I masturbated with a banana. One day the cook saw this; I was too excited to control myself, so I had sex with him. His penis was much larger than my husband’s, so I enjoyed it. During the process, we got wild and I bit his penis hard. Is there a possibility of it breaking? If yes, is there a home remedy for it? Since his penis was larger, is it possible that my vagina has expanded?

Your vagina will not expand. You really cooked the cook’s goose. Fortunately, there is no bone in the penis for it to fracture.

I am a twenty-one-year-old man. Last week, I was oscillating my penis while masturbating. I turned it upside down and sat on it. I heard a snap, but experienced no pain. Have I fractured my penis?

Why would you want to do bhangra with your penis? Pray that you have not injured it. Do not sit on it again.

Two days ago, I had unprotected sex with my girlfriend. To prevent pregnancy, we bought an i-pill (emergency contraceptive pill). But in the heat of the moment, I popped it instead of her. Can it cause any complications for me?

Next time around, please use a condom and make sure that you don’t swallow that too. In any case, you could have rushed to the chemist and got another one as it is effective within seventy-two hours of the act. The i-pill is meant only for emergency situations and must not be used as a routine family planning measure.

I had sex with two girls and used the same condom. Can they get pregnant? Can we get HIV/AIDS? Please help.

Are you so broke that you cannot afford two condoms? Obviously, you are someone who does not respect women’s rights. How would you like it if you had to share your toothbrush with other men? They may not get pregnant but all of you can get an infection. Better be careful next time.

I am twenty-six years old. Once, during a visit to a prostitute, I climaxed while wearing a condom. I then decided to stop the production of sperms in my body completely. I plan to cut the nerves around my testicles using a pliers-like tool. I have seen bulls’ nerves being cut using just a sterilizing tool. Can that work for me? Despite the size of their testicles reducing greatly after sterilization, bulls can still have sex as before. Sterilized bulls, in fact, are much stronger than regular ones and they never allow them to mate with cows. I want to be a sterilized bull and reserve many human cows for myself. Also, as there will be nothing to ejaculate, can I cure premature ejaculation and have sex for a longer duration?

You are not a bull but, I am sorry to say, just as ignorant as one. In a sterilization procedure (vasectomy), only the tubes—which comprise the pathway of the sperms—are blocked. The fluid, without the sperms, will continue to be pumped in from other glands. Your premature ejaculation will not heal by castrating yourself. That problem is the result of various nerves which are not touched. I suggest you surf the Internet and study vasectomy before you undergo the procedure that the bulls you studied underwent. Vasectomy does not affect erection or cause a loss of desire. It is the ideal way, but unfortunately, it’s the woman who is usually sterilized.

I have seen that when semen is evenly applied to the face and left to dry, it feels like the skin is tightening. In my opinion, this is much better than any skintightening pack available at a beauty parlour. Is this harmful in any way, especially on fair skin?

Get a patent. A number of beauty specialists may start recruiting men. I see no harm in doing what you do but I doubt it will make any difference to your face.

I am a twenty-two-year-old man, very sexy and unmarried. I have no girlfriend. I found a way to satisfy my sexual desire. I have been having oral and anal sex with my five-year-old bitch for the last two months. I enjoy it and both of us are healthy. Will this be a problem in the future? Should we continue our sexual relationship or not?

Why ask me? It would have been better if your bitch could have told you her feelings. In a few years do not be sure that you will not get an infection when you consider marrying a woman. Will you compare the pleasure? Bestiality is illegal. So the answer is, stop. I think your pet will like that too.

I am 22 years old. I have sex with my girlfriend occasionally, but even when I am lying in bed, my testicles keep moving. Is this Normal?

The testicles doing the salsa are unique. They rest when you fall asleep. I am sure more boys are likely to keep a watch to see if their testicles respond likewise.

I saw a bull with three testicles. I wonder if a man can be born with three testicles. If yes, what can be the consequences?

Ask God to make you that bull in your next life so that you can experience what it feels like. Even if you have three testicles as a human being, I doubt if you can hide the third one in your jeans.

I am 25 and masturbate on the pillow. Unfortunately, the other day our domestic help saw me. Now, when she comes to clean the house, she likes to have a good sniff of this pillow. Should I have sex with her?

Sniffing the pillow does not mean she wants to have sex with you. Maybe she is checking whether it needs a wash. The decision is yours.

I think I suffer from premature ejaculation. I get turned on by the water dripping from my bedroom AC. I allow the drops to fall on my penis and I usually come after 12 drops. I think that is too soon. My ejaculation should at least last for 40 drops. Do you think this is normal?

Remarkable and unique way to find out whether you suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s better that you see a sexologist; I assure you that he will not turn on the shower to get to the diagnosis of what is normal.

I am the world record holder for masturbation (11 times) in a single day. When I was reading your columns, some other person has broken my record i.e. (12 times). God is not sending me a girl I can have a very nice time with. I see sexy girls whenever I go by train or bus, but why is he not giving one to me? After all, I was not born in a family where everyone is either from television or a fi lm star. What should I do?

You certainly have your brains in your penis. Apply to the porn industry and retire in three years as your penis will refuse to co-operate with your body soon.

I am a 21 year old man. If my partner eats papaya after sex, can she get pregnant?

You are a sexually uneducated man. Please do not buy a papaya or any other fruit because none will help. Instead, please educate yourself on how to make love, how to wear a condom, and other such matters.

If a man and a woman masturbate at the same time, thinking about sex, can it lead to pregnancy?

There are no angels to carry your sperms to the person you are dreaming about. Fantasy gives you enjoyment, but does nothing more.

For how many months can a lactating woman keep producing breast milk if she feeds it daily to her husband?

Let her decide when she should stop feeding her baby because for you, she will buy a cow.

How will a child born from a mix of semen samples of a black man, white man, an Indian and Chinese turn out?

Join a circus to find out.