Action Jackson
If Action Jackson is at number ten, imagine the woe that befell Indian audiences this year. The basic premise of the film: girl must get a look at boy’s yoohoo to have her share of good luck. Vampy she-villain is also after said yoohoo because boy had thukraoed her pyaar and now she is bekaraar and must waar upon waar on him. No, that is not something I made up — it is a dialogue from the film. And, surprise, surprise, boy has a double role. Which means double the yoohoo, double the disaster. Also, did I mention the film has SonakshiSinha? Or, did you already guess that given the amount of dumbassery so far? Chauvinistic, distasteful and peppered with unnecessary sexual innuendos, this is regular Prabhudheva fare on Prozac.

super-nani-3Super Nani
India is battling with tons of social issues. I am sure the producers were just scanning through search engines, and eeny-meeny-miny-moed on ‘women’s rights’ over ‘religion’ and ‘Bollywood making horror films’. Rekha is a battered wife, a battered mother and a battered mother-in-law. She is sweating it out in the kitchen, being the sati-savitri every Indian man desires. Her family does not love her and takes her for granted. She weeps about all of this to her kishen kanhayiya with manicured nails and seven layers of make-up and a battered housewife’s trademark accessory — mile-long false eyelashes. And, lo, after all the glycerine, enters super cool grandson (Sharman Joshi is her grandson? Who’s her plastic surgeon, man?), who turns her life around, makes her the country’s favourite product model and makes the family realise her importance and all that jazz. Soppy, soapy and puke-inducingly sentimental, this film was an absolute waste of time.

roar-1Roar: Tigers of the Sundarbans
So, this is a film about buffed up men, chesty women and man-eating tigers. Umm, that kind of sums it up. The men huff, puff and strip. The women, huff, puff and strip. The tigers are computer generated and can do whatever on earth the makers want them to do. Nothing can be more disappointing than watching a tiger movie with abysmal VFX. I agree that after PETA and Life of Pi, we can’t demand real tigers on screen, but let’s at least do a good job faking it. Twice, you can see 3D imaging path lines and in some crucial scenes, the tiger actually flickers.

Kaanchi: The Unbreakable
Written, directed and produced by Subhash Ghai, this film was supposed to be his comeback. A preachy drudgery about feminism, the film groans under the weight of ethics, values and pathetic acting skills. A small-town girl goes to the city and has to fight corruption and other evil stuff. Of course, she is unbreakable (as the name suggests) and, of course, there shall be a victory of her spirit and whatnot. But, what is unacceptable is the painful melodrama that ensues in between.

the-xpose-1The Xposé
So, Himmmmesh Reshammmmiya (did I type enough Ms?) was having a drink with YoYo Honey Singh when the thought struck them — Himmmmesh hasn’t assaulted India in a while. YoYo is bored of rap songs. So, what do singer-composers do after they’ve become bored with music? Act. So, let’s cook up a hogwash murder mystery, throw in some sexy babes with sexy legs and blue eyes (what else will the songs be about — women of substance?) and borrow all the glitzy stuff from The Great Gatsby. And, Irrfan Khan.There needs to be at least one actor, or the rest of us might think this is the extended director’s cut of the next YoYo music video.

fugly-1Fugly
Dilli. A quartet of up-to-no-gooders eating, drinking and wasting papa ka paisa.A corrupt policeman who wants to extort money. Suddenly, desh bhakti is jagaaoed and a lot of gyaan gets dispersed. The film starts as a bad rip-off of DilChahtaHai, becomes a bad rip-off of Fukrey and, finally, a disastrous rip-off of Rang De Basanti. And, all along, you are left wondering why in the name of Medusa’s tits is this film called Fugly? Was the director just describing his own handiwork? A message issued in public interest: Vijender Singh, you can’t act. Go box and win us medals.

karle-pyaar-karle-2Karle Pyaar Karle
Daddy Darshan wants to create a showreel for beta Darshan. Look, look at my son’s abs. Look how he fights, rides bikes, performs five international dance styles, gives you the feels in emotional scenes and even does the naughty with the unimpressive bimbo we cast so that she does not steal his thunder. Also, did you look at my son’s abs? But, none of this is as disgusting as the other crime this film commits — it is a remake of the French film, Jeuxd’enfants (Love Me If You Dare). I have never seen a film being this brutally massacred in a remake. And, Darshan, you’re no Roshan.

dishkiyaoon-1Dishkiyaoon
The film stars Sunny Deol and Harman Baweja. Yes, that’s the review.

riyasat-3Riyasat
Releasing Rajesh Khanna’s last film on his second death anniversary is the wiliest move a producer can make. But, after watching it, one wonders, did the producer really think he will be able to make money by milking emotions with THIS film? For starters, Khanna’s fans take their grandkids to watch Krrish 3 in multiplexes now. Making another abysmal remake of The Godfather, with Khanna hamming as the mafia head, is neither respite nor resurrection. Riyasat is possibly one of the worst films made in a long, long time, helmed by a group of nobodies with zero experience and sense of film-making. This is an atrocious attempt at a tribute.

humshakals-2Humshakals
You saw this coming. But, honestly, I loved reading the reviews and comments by outraged critics and audiences more than the film. Here are two of my favourites — “Humshakals was meant to be a comedy film before Alone released. But, it turned out to be a horror film too, and I didn’t even know it was one,” from BipashaBasu who starred in the film. “The jokes are increasingly unfunny, disparaging dwarves, the LGBT community, people from the northeast and the mentally challenged. Production values go down the drain; the film-maker didn’t even bother to edit out the scenes in which the lead is clearly wearing height-enhancing shoes while dancing,” from an observant blogger who was not blinded by Saif Ali Khan in drag. And, if you have seen the film, you’ll know that these words were kind compared to what you had been put through.