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Money
matters, gay and gift,and gift obsessions
 We've
lived together for a couple of years now. It's lots
of fun but suddenly she wants to quit her job and start
up a business. That's not an issue but she wants me
to loan her some of the money. Not a couple of thousands,
a considerable sum of money. I don't know what to say.
When a young Dane of our acquaintance was setting out
to go to live in Paris, his father advised him, "Neither
a borrower nor a lender be/For loan oft loses both itself
and friend." If you've watched Hamlet, you'll know
that this scene is generally played as burlesque. Terence
Morgan as Laertes, the Danish toasted, who is getting
this advice, in Laurence Olivier's version, is kidding
around with his sister. Nathaniel Parker, playing the
same role in Zefferelli's version, is playing around
with a dog. No one listens to that poor old bozo. But
then the poor old bozo also says, "Those friends
thou hast, and their adoption tried,/Grapple them to
thy soul with hoops of steel". Now a couple of
years into a relationship and you should be thinking
hoops of steel but then you might lose both your money
and your friend. But then if you refused, you might
lose her anyway.
Wisdom of Solomon who was Dr Know's ancestor? Don't
give it to her yourself. Say you'll get a friend to
loan you the money. And then put her on a tight schedule
of repayment because your friend is a bit anal about
being repaid. And send me ten per cent in cash.
Here's
the scenario. My best friend's name is Raunaq. My wife
says she might be in love with Raunaq. I told her to
get real. I told her what I thought was a secret. I
told her that Raunaq is gay. She said scornfully that
I should try to condescend in my patriarchal male fashion
and that she knew already. Her very words? "And
I didn't know that bears shit in the woods." I
don't get this. I asked her what all this meant for
us and she said, "I still lust after your tight
ass but I think I am in love with Raunaq." What
is happening? I must add that my wife is not normally
a fruit cake.
As is often said when you happen to have lunch with
a Sufi saint, "Many indeed are the paths to a woman's
heart and to the oasis in the heart of the casino."
In other words, you do not have a fruitcake for a wife,
you have an extraordinarily honest woman. She is in
love with Raunaq. Raunaq is gay. So was Rock Hudson,
if you get my drift. That he was gay didn't stop millions
of women from falling in love with him. Of course, in
that case they didn't know but that doesn't mean much.
That your wife is in love with Raunaq may mean any of
several things.
One: The love she feels for your best friend
is platonic.
Two: She does not love him in a non-platonic
way, she loves him in a red-blooded way but why worry?
Raunaq won't let it go too far, will he?
Three: Your wife is a gay man in drag and you
haven't noticed for all these years.
Four: The Sulabh Shauchalaya movement has now
reached the ursine population.
You know what your problem is, don'tcha? You're jealous.
You're used to being the object of your wife's love
and lust. She seems to have let the love slip away.
Perhaps she might even let the lust slip that way next
and when she closes her eyes in the throes, she might
be seeing Raunaq's face, not yours…
It has just occurred to the sage Dr Know that the only
name mentioned in your question is that of Raunaq. Your
wife is nameless and so are you. (That last omission
Dr Know understands. Most screenplay writers should
be anonymous.) This throws up several interesting questions
for you to think about. How come your wife isn't your
best friend? And maybe your jealousy isn't about your
wife alone?
Why
can I never find the right gift for my lady?
That's because you're a man. This is a genetic thing.
Men cannot remember dates. They cannot remember their
best friend's birthdays. They can't even remember their
own birthdays, not after they've hit the big four-oh.
But you're already one of the rare few who know when
it is gift-giving time, so hey, you're already evolving
towards…well…Dr Know hates to break this to
you…but you're already becoming a woman. If you
listen carefully, you'll hear two soft plops. Next you'll
be buying the exact shade of teal that goes with the
taupe outfit she bought last summer. Enjoy.
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