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The
kibosh on ties, punch and tattoo taboos
 I'm
going to get suited and booted for my first foray into
the corporate world and I want to know about the kant-langoat
as well.
All grown up, are you? Ready to take on the high rollers
and the power brokers? Well, you can start by jettisoning
the schoolboy humour. Calling a tie by its Hindi name
is always funny the first time but it isn't funny for
those around you who have already heard the joke about
a hundred times already. But here's what you need to
know about ties.
[1] Neckties come in two lengths. The standard
is 56 inches. But if you are very tall or you have a
vast belly that pushes your tie up to your nose, go
for the longer 60-incher.
[2] The knot of your tie should be adjusted to
the width of your shirt collar. The wider the collar,
the wider the knot.
[3] Every man should know how to tie the four-in-hand,
the half-Windsor and the Windsor knots. Check out www.tie-a-tie.net
which comes with handy illustrations. But nothing can
substitute for practice. Also practise untying your
tie.
[4] A well-tied tie will have a dimple under
the knot.
[5] The bottom of your tie should just cover
your belt buckle.
[6] Your tie should be made of silk. Any other
tie is a pretender and should be used in sex games with
someone who is willing to be tied up.
[7] Your tie should reflect your masculinity
and your age. Casper the friendly ghost looks great
on the chest of a seven-year-old with a gap-toothed
grin. On your chest, he looks like someone has used
you as a wall and stuck a decal on you.
[8] A stained tie is a tie that is close to death.
Rush it to a good dry-cleaner immediately.
[9] As for matching your tie to the rest of what
you are wearing, it's fairly easy. You can wear a striped
shirt with a striped tie as long as the stripes aren't
the same width. But you can't have stripes in your shirt
and tie and suit. At least one colour in your tie should
go with your suit or shirt. Okay, pushing it a bit,
at least one colour in your tie should go with your
suit, shirt or shoes.
I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. Something
discreet like a scorpion on my inner thigh…
What you do with your inner thigh is your business.
Because it is unlikely that anyone from your workplace
is ever going to see it, unless you dip your pen in
company ink which is not advised. (It happens but it
is not advised.) Or you are unlucky enough to have an
accident. Or your office is the kind where debagging
is considered permissible. In that case, you might as
well have the scorpion on your forehead.
Anywhere else and we might have quibbled a bit because
tattoos are about as acceptable in the upper echelons
of the
corporate world as Hitler would be at a
Jewish mothers' night out. And one last word: if your
idea of discreet is a scorpion on your inner thigh,
either you need a new dictionary or you're already rollerblading
on the edge.
Identifying
a good tie
You
might wonder why you are paying so much for a good tie
and we hope you will only be buying good ties. That's
because a good tie is hand-sewn. Turn a tie over and
look at the stitching; there should be a single thread
running through the whole of the tie. A tie is made
out of three pieces, each cut in a perfect, 45-degree
angle. The tie should also have a wool-blend lining.
A good tie will have a keeper so that the tag-end of
your tie will not bounce about on your belly as you
walk. It should have a 'lifesaver', a piece of yarn
inside which lets you pull on its end and take any warps
out. Finally, its edges will be a little rounded because
it will have been steam-ironed and hand-finished.
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