Phoning it in

On sexting while cheating, poisoned trees, and the dilemma of starring in a porn video

shutterstock_157894247I’m married. I’m having an affair. Can I also be sexting a third woman without cheating on the other two?
This is a joke right? No. You’re going to answer with, “Well, what isn’t a joke?”, and then I will also have to say something about how last night I dreamt that I was a butterfly and today, I am not sure that I am not a butterfly who is dreaming that I am a person. So, let us assume that you are not joking. You can do anything you want and you can be anything you want. You can sext a third woman or a five hundredth, but here are some things you might want to consider.
– For generations men have said to their wives when their wives have found out about their other love interests — what’s all this about mistresses? Why is she in charge of you? — that it was only about sex. When you sext, what is it only about? The mind?
-When you say that you feel you might be cheating on the other two when you sext the third — gosh, this sounds like a problem in geometry — how does one go about cheating on someone who is abetting your cheating? Meaning, doesn’t your love interest know you’re married? You are a bit of a bounder then, aren’t you?
– When you sext, you write things down.

We were all happy like, after some great sex, and he fell asleep and his mobile phone was unguarded. This may seem weird, but he keeps his phone very very close and very very private. He won’t even let me see his password, but when we were having dinner at a swanky restaurant with mirrors everywhere, I saw him draw his figure over the number pad and figured out the code. I later whipped through his phone and found that he was two-timing me. He woke up halfway through this and he grabbed his phone, grabbed his clothes, threw me a look of savage anger and said, “I thought you were civilised”, and he vanished through the door. I didn’t think I had done anything so bad. And, he was the one who had been having an affair with his ex and has made his wife pregnant, though they’re divorced, and he’s thinking of going back to her. (Oh, I’m a guy, if that matters.)
Your gender doesn’t matter, not to us anyway. You’re a snoop. A snoop of whatever gender is bad news. But, your snoopiness has some excuse. We do not, in this country, have much notion of privacy. People get on to trains and start telling the person sitting next to them about their private lives and then expect to be told about the person’s private life, and all is bliss. This is why, perhaps, we love Facebook so much. It makes our snoopiness official and it gives us a place to tell relative strangers all about our lives, without having to make tatkal reservations and take a dump on the tracks. But, he was right. You were uncivilised. You started by cracking his code as if he were some ambigram in a Dan Brown novel. Then, you waited until post-coital snoozing and you invaded his privacy. You found out about things that hurt you and you were ready to attack him when he attacked first. If he comes back, the crack will show, the lack of faith will still be there. If he doesn’t come back, accept with grace that he may not have been honest but you weren’t particularly honest either. It’s called fruit of the poisoned tree, by the way, when a police officer does it: gets information by dishonest means.

This is a bit weird, but I have a friend who has a friend who says that I could make good money if I agreed to star in a porn video. This person says that the video is made for private circulation only and it will be all very discreet and if I don’t want to have my face seen I needn’t. I need the money. Should I do this?
Among the many lessons we have learned in life is this one: if there is a friend who has a friend involved, you should not be involved. Of course, there’s money to be made in porn videos. But, it is rarely the poor simps who are in front of the camera who make it. It’s the man/woman/transgendered person who makes the film who makes the money. And, as for things being for private circulation only, what are you? Dim-witted? Or, do you live under a rock? All those young people whose faces you see in the MMS scandals — they were all told that this would be only for one person’s delectation and of course, it wasn’t. Finally, you say you need the money. Do you? Do you really? Then you should do what it takes to get hold of the money, because sex work is like any other work, except you don’t want to marry a sex worker or have your son marry one or your daughter become one. Those are the double standards that you know about and which have made you ask this question in the first place. But, if it’s just the down payment on a new motorbike with which you want to score, perhaps you should work your ass off instead of showing your ass to a camera and having that go down on your CV for posterity.