Taimur Ali Khan’s ponytail has been declared the eighth Wonder of the World, following a three-week debate centered on whether his hair or his cheeks would make the cut. ‘Team Cheeks,’ the official fan club for the sides of the young Nawab’s face, is reportedly despondent. Several members have been institutionalized and kept under twenty-four suicide watch. “Yes, he’s got great hair, I mean- he’s got great everything. But for the Committee Of Such Things to publicly insult Taimur by not making his cheeks a World Wonder… I’m not sure there’s much life left to live anymore” said a tearful Yuzvendra Chahal, President of ‘Team Cheeks.’

Taimur has now been assigned a security detail by a special UN Task Force to protect his hair from thieves. Reports have emerged that stray strands he left behind outside his playschool have been sold for up to a crore per strand.  A replica market has emerged, as cunning capitalists have attempted to pass off fake hairs as soured from Taimur. “A true fan can tell a fake from across the room” claims Vladimir Putin, the President of “Pony Ali Khan”, the official fan club for Taimur’s ponytail. “I am ready to hunt down these bastards passing off fakes off our Lord and Savior’s hair” he elaborates.

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