Director: Farhad Samji

Writer: Farhad Samji, Sparsh Khetarpal, and Tasha Bhambra. Based on Veeram (2014) written by Siva.

Cast: Salman Khan, Pooja Hegde, Venkatesh and others

Stars: One and half

Bhaijaan (Salman Khan) lives with his three brothers — Ishq (Raghav Juyal), Moh (Jassie Gill) and Love (Siddharth Nigam with an equally atrocious haircut as Salman’s). He dotes on them and has decided to not get married as he is apprehensive that his future wife can create a rift between the brothers. (Aside: None of these brothers are shown to have a job… baap ka paisa I guess). However, eventually his brother falls in love (and the girls played respectively by Shehnaaz Gill, Palak Tiwari, and Vinali Bhatnagar are named Sukoon, Muskaan, and Chahat) and in order to get Bhaijaan to agree to their marriages, they deem it essential that they find a bride for Bhaijaan first. So, they track down his ex-girlfriend. But upon finding out that she is now happily married, they try to find a new love interest for their beloved bhai. They pray before Jesus and a girl, Bhagya (Pooja Hegde), lands into their live (because Jesus has no other work but to make girls appear from nowhere to fall in love with the heroes). Now, from being just the bhai of three fully-grown, able-bodied, jobless brothers, he becomes the jaan of Bhagya, fulfilling his ‘BhaiJaan’ journey. But Bhagya also has a bhai, Annayya Gundamaneni (Venkatesh) and there are goons, helmed by Nageshwar (Jagapathi Babu, who, at times, looks like Varun Grover) after her and her bhai’s jaan. As Bhai aka Jaan goes to Hyderabad to meet Annayya, he is welcomed into his family. Bhaijaan takes it upon himself to protect the members of his future sasuaral because Annayya is a non-violent man and “Jab kisi non-violent aadmi ke piche violent aadmi pad jaaye, uss non-violent aadmi ke samne bohot hi violent aadmi ka khada hona jaruri hai,” (…whatever Inception universe that is).

In fact, apart from being powered by a nonchalant Salman Khan on autopilot, boasting an unintentionally funny and self-aware deadpan, it is the writing, or the lack of it, that is the worst thing, about this movie. Apart from having a bland plot and a blander screenplay, it is replete with cringe dialogues like ‘Mai Bhaijaan naam se jaana jaata hun’, ‘Insaniyat ke naate main insaaniyat ka saath dunga’, ‘Yeh Violence Nahi Hai Bhagya, this is called self-defense’, and of course, the masterpiece: ‘Jab shareer, dil aur dimaag mujhse kehte hai … bas bhai, no more … toh main kehta hoon, bring it on’. There is a scene where humans are mentioned as ‘homo erectus’, to which one character exclaims: “How can they be homo? They have girlfriends.” The joke was not even funny when Joey did it in Friends. In fact, the dialogues are so cringeworthy that the writers don’t even trust Sallu Bhai fans to laud them with seetis and instead they make the three brothers and the extras on the set whistle for Bhai during the scenes.

One fails to understand why a mediocre movie like Veeram needed a remake. But then this is a world that exists outside the realms of logic. The only time Bhai uses is head is when he ties his shirt around it and headbutts a goon to death. Bhai also unleashes his ‘funny’ and in the middle of hitting the guy with his dhai kilo ka head, quips, ‘Ise kehte hai brainstorming.’ This world is also beyond the realm of the law. Bhai keeps casually bludgeoning people to death in public places and the bodies keep piling up, he faces no charges… even when he leaves a metro rail compartment full of dead bodies to the horror of the passengers waiting to board the train. But then kanoon ke lambe haath had never been long enough to get hold of Bhai.

There are too many songs in the movie and not of them even reach the status of mediocre. And each has more atrocious choreography than the other. Apart from the ‘classic’ nursery rhyme song, and Bhai doing leg day on the sets as part of a song sequence, there is one called Billi Billi where the backup dancers are wearing cat masks. The action sequences are supposed to be the highlights of the movie but although adequately larger-than-life, there is nothing spectacular or innovative, apart from Bhai lifting and moving a jeep with one hand because he didn’t like the way it was parked.

But this is a Salman Khan movie and it is probably his worst till date. The star was never known for his acting prowess, but here even his swag seem to have lost its charm. It is a haggard version of the star, too smitten by his own image. The ‘fun’ that Salman usually brings to a movie is replaced by a strange disinterest. It seems Salman is stuck in a limbo. Unlike SRK, he is not hungry to reclaim his place. Instead, he is living inside a bubble of self-reverence. With Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan, it seems his disconnect with the real world seem to be complete.

There is no point talking about the other actors as they are not supposed to do anything and hardly do anything. The late Satish Kaushik is the only actor who brings a smile to your face as he plays the affable neighbour, a character that might remind one of Chaurasia in Aa Ab Laut Chalen. His are the only genuine moments in the movie but those are few and far between. The main problem with this movie is that at no point does it manage to build any emotional connect with the audience. It is difficult to invest in a character when the actor himself is not invested in it.

Verdict: Salman Khan plays Bhaijaan to three able-bodied young men who for some reason are totally dependent on him. Bhai has dedicated his entire life to giving his brothers a better life. He has also sacrificed his love and chosen to not get married so that no woman can create a rift among them. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.

But apna Bhai is also a Jaan. He eventually gets a girlfriend who calls him Jaan. But since much like SRK’s Pathaan, he doesn’t have a proper name, even his future mother-in-law calls him Jaan. However, by the time you reach this point in the movie, you have already gone through so much torture (includes a storyline involving Maine Pyar Kiya, his co-star in the movie, Bhagyashree, and her real family) that you don’t even react.

Yet another undercooked Farhad Samji movie with a bad script, wafer-thin plot, insipid dialogues, lazy storytelling, unimpressive soundtrack, unintentionally hilarious choreography, cardboardish CGI, and absolute abandonment of logic, served with dollops of trying-to-be-cool action sequences. But this time it has a main course of a beefy Salman Khan who does random Salman Khan things and of course, at no point, lets any emotion show on his face.

Kisi Ka Bhai Kisi Ki Jaan is everything that is wrong with Bollywood today — we have showreels of heroes being peddled as masala entertainers; we have aging delusional stars romancing women half their daughter’s age and working under the belief that their jaded swag and computer-toned bare bodies are enough to get the audience to throng theatres. There should be a limit to taking your die-hard fans for granted. But Salman Khan sets a new benchmark every time.

Watch at your own risk.

“Insaniyat me bada hai dam, Vande Maatram”. Okbye.

Image credits: Salman Khan Films