I live in a perpetual state of contradiction. I detest small talk, yet my job requires me to engage in polite head nods and handshakes, more than I am comfortable with. This anxiety reaches a new high at the beginning of the dreaded “small-talk phase” on dating apps. But lately, I’ve taken a more casual approach towards it. No longer do I swipe right on anything resembling a human, like a bored ape, instead, taking time for each swipe. The result? Better quality and quantity of matches.

A revelation it is not; however, through my interactions with women, I’ve learned two things – 1) The bar is at rock bottom. 2) Most Indian men are horny, desperate individuals with the social capacity of a bored ape. But why are we doing this? The most logical explanation is based on how dating apps are designed, with a handful of photos and the inevitable The Office references making up for one’s personality. As much as I love to hate on poorly made profiles, I have to admit that they seldom take the human element out of the equation, often neglecting the fact that there’s a human being with emotions and boundaries, deserving of decency.

Some dude bros, though, take this opportunity to comment or say anything without any apprehension. For instance, 32-year-old Mumbai-based, IT Professional, Sneha writes about icky behaviour from men on dating apps, saying: “Men dive directly into sexual conversations without having a proper discussion on what we both want on the app; it shows a lack of respect.” Her thoughts are echoed by a 24-year-old Pune-based marketing professional, who chose to go by the name of “Mike Hunt” says, “Most break the ice by describing dirty things they want to do to you.”

But it’s not just the sexual innuendos men seem to rely on, as 26-year-old Tanvi, who works in film production in Mumbai says, “When they have this laundry list of expectations/what they’re ‘looking for’ in a partner. Like, why do you have this entire description of your dream woman laid out – which is usually super demanding and idealistic, but nothing on your profile tells me what you’re bringing to the table.”

Sometimes, though, things take a turn for the worst, as Mumbai-based, 31-year-old, advertising professional, Arnaz recounts: “There was one guy (whom I didn’t right swipe on) who thought it was okay to search for me online, based on my first name (since it’s fairly unique), found me on LinkedIn, found my number, and WhatsApped me. Since then, my dating profiles only have my initial.”

But things don’t end there, as I’ve found out. Most men also inaccurately represent facts on their dating profiles, which is a little strange. Why lie about being 5’11 when you’re going to turn up on a date with the length of an Oompa Loompa? Seems a little counterproductive, no? Yet some do, and the results range from hilarious to sad. Recounting an incident, Mumbai-based, 29-year-old, Marketing Professional, Aparna writes: “I went on a date with a guy once whose picture on the app was different. It was only after we exchanged numbers that I saw his WhatsApp DP, which was different. He admitted to having used his friend’s images because he was underconfident about how he looks.”

So, what should you not do? As 26-year-old journalist, Shraddha, writes: “fight with you on feminism just to spite you or get you to react, drop extremely aggressive responses, ‘you look better when you smile,’ adding ‘talk about their height, make TV shows especially ‘The Office’ as their entire personality.’ Or, as Tanvi adds: “double texting without an agenda. If you send another text that’s topical in some way, like referencing something we talked about earlier, e.g., we talked about how I’ve watched ‘Jawan’ and you haven’t, and then you double text to say you went and saw it, it’s topical, it’s conversational. Then I’ll still feel like replying.”

On the other hand, “If you just double text being like ‘Hey, what’s up?’ or ‘where did you go?’ or even worse, ‘Hey cutie,’ it’s just annoying. Like, don’t put pressure on me to reply if neither of us has anything interesting to say.”

What is the correct way of approaching a match then? As Arnaz states, “Ideally, with a cute question or comment based on the details in the person’s profile. For example, if they say they’re a Potterhead, start with a Potter reference. A generic ‘hey’ usually doesn’t elicit a response from me because it feels like the person has put in zero effort.”

As mentioned earlier, the bar appears to be low. Treating your match as a human being on the other side of the screen will take you a long way. This, though, has come to me through years of introspection, increased platonic interaction with the other genders, and embarrassing mishaps on the apps. The crux of it, though, is, just don’t be a hormonal ape incapable of critical thought.

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