Musician Halsey has released their latest album, If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power.
“This album is a concept album about the joys and horrors of pregnancy and childbirth,” had read a part of the statement that came with the unveiling of the cover. For this album, they would be doing only one interview as they fear overexplaining and their sentiments being “bastardised” in print.
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The singer welcomed their first child, Ender, in July along with writer Alev Aydin, allegedly after suffering three miscarriages.
In the recent interview with Apple Music‘s Zane Lowe, Halsey shared that although they are thrilled to finally be a parent, the album came from a “scary and horrifying” place.
“I think everyone who has heard me yearn for motherhood and yearn for this for so long, would have expected me to write the album that was full of gratitude,” said the musician.
It came to them that although pregnancy can be a beautiful, flowing, nourishing experience for some, others may find themselves fearful. “And instead, I was like, ‘No, this s**t is so scary and so horrifying. My body’s changing and I have no control over anything. And I do finally have this thing I want. So, I wake up and fear every single day that I’m going to lose (the baby).”
“Actually, I have nightmares about waking up in a pool of my own blood. That’s actually what it’s like.”
Facing that on one end, she had to ensure her career was not taking a hit on the other. “You have to call the CEO of X, Y, Z and say, ‘Hey, hi. I’m just calling to let you know, I’m pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. I didn’t want you to find out on Instagram. I wanted to tell you myself, personally. It’s still business as usual over here though, don’t worry. My personal choice isn’t going to affect your profitability or your productivity or your assembly line’.”
“I mean, there was publications [that when] we were going out and trying to set up magazine covers based around the album release, they were like, ‘Yeah, but is she going to be pregnant? Because we don’t want to do a maternity cover,'”
The musician decided to stay off social media through the course of their pregnancy. They did share this journey with the world through the album they started before they knew they were with child. Calling it “the easiest album I have ever written,” they talked also of how the world reacted to their pregnancy and how it added to their anxiety.
“I knew the whole time I made this album and made the film that people were going to be like, ‘For someone like Halsey, who’s had miscarriages and whatever, she shouldn’t have been working so hard. Would it have killed her to stay home and relax for the baby?’” they added.
They remember feeling as if they were being treated like a teen mother, ‘Oh my god, you’re so young, and you have so much to do in your career, and you’re not married…'” said people to them.
“The flip side of it, right, is that I don’t and I wait until I’m in my 30s and I do SNL for the sixth time and have my seventh No. 1 album and whatever.”
“But then, there’s also, ‘She worked too hard, she never had a family. She’s going to die alone. She was too obsessed with work, she never found someone. It’s a shame she’s not going to have any kids. Her career’s not going to hold her at night,'” they went on.
They now live in a secluded home with their partner and child.
The whole interview is available to watch on YouTube or Apple Music.
If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power is available to stream on all major platforms.