Arnesh Ghose

<hr>&nbsp;“You won’t believe what happened last Friday night!”&nbsp;My newly-married wing-woman-for-life&nbsp;sounded very excited over the phone. She has&nbsp;started to appreciate the small joys of matrimony&nbsp;— I keep getting photographs of matching His&amp;Her towels and&nbsp;the like in my inbox. What had she found this time? Matching salt&nbsp;shakers?&nbsp;“We got asked out!”&nbsp;I sat up. “You got asked out? By who?”&nbsp;“Not me!” she screamed. “We! We! Him and me!”&nbsp;“By whom?”&nbsp;“Another couple!” she giggled.&nbsp;Every time someone says that India is close-minded about sex,&nbsp;I laugh. India is the second largest market for all social media&nbsp;platforms. India is one of the top five global subscribers of dating&nbsp;apps like Tinder, Grindr, OKCupid, TopFace and Woo. According&nbsp;to Pornhub, Indians are the second-most frequent visitor to the&nbsp;website. Close-minded about sex? Tell me another one. What I do&nbsp;find puzzling is our schizophrenic attitude to sex and sexuality. On&nbsp;the one hand, we chop off harmless kisses from films, while 18-year&nbsp;olds swipe left and right frantically every night under the covers. The&nbsp;government bans porn sites (and then dim-wittedly releases a list of&nbsp;800+ links for all of us to try out), while ex-pornstars are accepted as&nbsp;lead actresses and reality shows like Bigg Boss thrive on titillation.&nbsp;Everyone is curious about sex, that’s for damn sure. We want to talk&nbsp;about it, try out something new every day and are in the unending&nbsp;pursuit of the best orgasm of our lives (often fearing that it is already&nbsp;behind us).&nbsp;This brings me to the phenomenon of swinging. In the last five to&nbsp;eight years, a small (but growing) set of people in cities like Mumbai&nbsp;and Delhi have been actively participating in sexual activities that&nbsp;involve people other than their partners. While young couples are&nbsp;increasingly bending the rules of commitment and monogamy, older&nbsp;couples are searching for new forms of excitement, because — well,&nbsp;boredom. Many couples, of all ages, are of the view that spending&nbsp;their whole lives with just one person may&nbsp;become claustrophobic and stifling. This strain,&nbsp;of being emotionally and physically invested in&nbsp;just one person, is leading to younger couples&nbsp;laying down easier rules for themselves, while&nbsp;older couples are opening themselves up to&nbsp;possible options that might spice their lives up.&nbsp;All this has a lot to do with the change in&nbsp;attitudes towards sex and monogamy. Casual&nbsp;sex is not a big deal any more — as long as it&nbsp;can be ignored. While the fear of being judged&nbsp;still hovers, mostly in women, it also runs&nbsp;parallel to an increasing curiosity and need for&nbsp;sexual satisfaction. In the last decade, sexual&nbsp;performance has become a common topic of&nbsp;discussion, and that is extremely empowering&nbsp;in itself. Thus if satisfaction is such a priority, is&nbsp;it a bad thing to acknowledge&nbsp;boredom and dissipating&nbsp;sexual chemistry? Should&nbsp;we ignore the fact that we&nbsp;are often attracted to other&nbsp;people, or, quite literally, want&nbsp;fresh meat? What if couples&nbsp;decide to look for individuals&nbsp;who can become a part of&nbsp;their sexual experience, with&nbsp;one overarching tenet in&nbsp;operation — honesty? Can you&nbsp;shed inhibitions, lose the fear&nbsp;of being judged and embrace&nbsp;your inner need for pleasure?&nbsp;Like I said, swinging is not new in Delhi and Mumbai. If you check&nbsp;out websites like Craigslist and Locanto, the list of people wanting&nbsp;to indulge in threesomes, foursomes and group sex is unending.&nbsp;Couples search for other couples, depending on their preferences.&nbsp;Some might even ask for just one person, for threesomes. While some&nbsp;might indulge in a foursome, others might choose partner-swapping.&nbsp;The combinations are, well, left to your imagination.&nbsp;“As a generation, we have become more impatient. There is this&nbsp;constant stress on instant gratification, which is not a bad thing if no&nbsp;one is getting hurt in the process,” says Dr N. R. Sahu, one of Delhi’s&nbsp;most reputed psychiatrists. He points out that “compromise” is not&nbsp;seen as a requirement in marriage any more, and couples are openly&nbsp;discussing what they want out of a marriage. Having children soon&nbsp;after marriage is not a prerogative any more, either. “So what do you&nbsp;do when you want to have fun after work or on weekends? Invariably,&nbsp;you have been dating your spouse for years before getting married, so&nbsp;sex is not a novelty. And soon, you become impatient for new stimuli&nbsp;in your relationship. That is when something like swinging becomes&nbsp;an exciting proposition.” Sahu concludes.&nbsp;<figure id="attachment_21424" aria-describedby="caption-attachment-21424" style="width: 639px"><a href="https://www.mansworldindia.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Corbis-42-20786075-e1459151418944.jpg"><img src="https://d12d6l12s3d372.cloudfront.net/Corbis_42_20786075_e1459151418944_dcc51177df.jpg"></a><figcaption id="caption-attachment-21424">Swinger clubs are the new norm</figcaption></figure>&nbsp;“I think couples can do whatever they want, as long as they are&nbsp;both aware of what is going on. Inherently, no one wants to cheat&nbsp;on their spouses. Hence, swinging and partner-swapping works for&nbsp;a lot of people,” says Dr. Madhura Bose, psychologist and couples&nbsp;counsellor. “Also, human beings are visually-driven. Watching their&nbsp;wives having really good sex with someone else turns many&nbsp;men on. It might just heat things up between the couple.&nbsp;A little bit of jealousy might just be a good thing,” she&nbsp;laughs. Yes, envy might just be the world’s most powerful&nbsp;aphrodisiac.&nbsp;Still, all this research is useless without first-hand&nbsp;experience. While just joining a couple for a threesome or&nbsp;foursome sounded like an interesting idea, I had heard&nbsp;enough about swinger parties to want to figure out a way&nbsp;of getting invited to one. These are usually clandestine&nbsp;and rather fancy affairs. Event organizers secretively make&nbsp;arrangements — often at a farm house outside the city if it&nbsp;is a large group, so that permissions are not an issue — and give a sex&nbsp;party the respectability of a social do. They send invites to couples&nbsp;they know, or those who have attended their parties before or have&nbsp;been referred by someone else. The need to maintain sophistication&nbsp;and like-mindedness is paramount.&nbsp;<a href="https://www.mansworldindia.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Corbis-42-15397876-e1496052053442.jpg"><img src="https://d12d6l12s3d372.cloudfront.net/Corbis_42_15397876_e1496052053442_c7616e9e3e.jpg"></a>&nbsp;The growth of swinger parties and clubs&nbsp;After some digging, I found a friend who agreed to refer me and&nbsp;a close friend, who would pose as my better half. The two of us had&nbsp;to cook up a story about how we met and got married, for a phone&nbsp;interview and a Skype chat. Post this, we were asked to meet at a city&nbsp;pub, and I realised that this was for easy ice-breaking over alcohol&nbsp;(which we paid for, as a part of the ‘registration fee’). Everyone was&nbsp;dressed in their weekend best, laughing a tad too loudly and showing&nbsp;a little too much interest in basic small talk and introductions — I&nbsp;suppose they were testing the waters, trying to figure out possible&nbsp;companions for the night. We were the youngest couple in the group&nbsp;and were getting a fair amount of attention. An older lady sitting&nbsp;across from us at the table ran her stiletto-ed foot up my thigh,&nbsp;looking at me pointedly with an inviting smile. My “young wife,&nbsp;college sweetheart and light of my life” was happily enjoying a forty-something&nbsp;gent’s hand between her legs. I dropped a fork to see what&nbsp;under-the-table looked like – it was a footsie bacchanal.&nbsp;After everyone was adequately glassy-eyed, our hosts — a&nbsp;flamboyant middle-aged couple — shared an address where the party&nbsp;was to move to. Excitedly, everyone jumped into their cars, some&nbsp;with other couples they might already have set their sights on. Our&nbsp;hosts’ massive terrace apartment was a 10-minute drive away, and&nbsp;they politely pointed out where the various rooms were and asked us&nbsp;to enjoy ourselves. The bar was well-stocked – as were multiple bowls&nbsp;of condoms and lube. Candles, dim lights and soft music — the set up&nbsp;reminded me of Eyes Wide Shut.&nbsp;Then the mating game began. People began walking up to each&nbsp;other quite uninhibitedly, starting a conversation and moving off&nbsp;to darker corners. We were standing at the bar and decided to take&nbsp;our pick from the crowd. My friend disappeared with a handsome&nbsp;35-year-old doctor, and a somewhat predatory older woman decided&nbsp;to pounce on me as soon as she slid away. The rest of the evening was,&nbsp;well, quite enjoyable. Some basic rules were implemented — safe sex&nbsp;only, no camera phones and no exiting the apartment with someone&nbsp;else’s partner — you left alone or with the person you brought. When&nbsp;the two of us were leaving that night, we could hear the apartment&nbsp;moan in delirium, and the living room was a Rubik’s Cube of limbs&nbsp;and torsos.&nbsp;The morning after, the walk of shame —&nbsp;this is what can be a real buzzkill. Both of&nbsp;us were spared that experience, because we&nbsp;were not emotionally involved with each&nbsp;other or the people that we had just had&nbsp;sex with. How do couples react afterwards,&nbsp;though? “It was exciting while we were at&nbsp;it,” says Ajay (name changed), a 35-year-old&nbsp;banker. I had decided to befriend a bunch&nbsp;of people on Facebook who are a part of&nbsp;swinger groups and communities. “You lose&nbsp;yourself to the moment, the experience of&nbsp;a new body. I could see how much my wife&nbsp;was enjoying herself too. But then, the next&nbsp;day, I felt a little guilty. I don’t know why.&nbsp;Even though my wife was there with me, it&nbsp;felt like I had cheated on her. We decided&nbsp;to talk it out, and she felt the same way too.&nbsp;That helped. We realised that as long as&nbsp;both of us were into it, we were good. The&nbsp;second time wasn’t uncomfortable at all.”&nbsp;<img src="https://d12d6l12s3d372.cloudfront.net/Corbis_42_15246763_e1459151760333_287a03591a.jpg">&nbsp;Rubina, a 40-year-old writer, was surprised by how much she&nbsp;enjoyed the experience of her husband watching her with another&nbsp;man. “I never knew I had a fetish for exhibitionism in me!” she&nbsp;laughs. “My husband had a blast too. We love foursomes more than&nbsp;group sex, because it allows you to concentrate on the person, and&nbsp;them on me.” But does this not affect their emotional connect? “That&nbsp;depends on how well you can compartmentalise,” says Ankit (name&nbsp;changed). “For people who need an emotional connect for sexual&nbsp;intercourse, this is not the right deal. They will not even think about&nbsp;this. But for those of us who can clearly differentiate between love&nbsp;and lust, heart and skin, swinging is a refreshing option.” And how&nbsp;does it affect their&nbsp;individual sex lives&nbsp;with their partners?&nbsp;“The memory of those&nbsp;evenings is enough&nbsp;to get us going. Just&nbsp;talking about what we&nbsp;did with other people,&nbsp;or what they did to us,&nbsp;is really hot. I am 40. I&nbsp;don’t think I should be&nbsp;judged for how I get turned on as long as my husband is cool with it,”&nbsp;says Rubina.&nbsp;Access to these parties and groups depends on what you’re looking&nbsp;for, and where. All the fancy parties work through invitations and&nbsp;referrals. “We do this to ensure a certain kind of person,” my host&nbsp;for that night said, during some casual banter. “Our guests have to&nbsp;feel safe. That is why we don’t even ask people to share their real&nbsp;names with each other. Choose anonymity if you want. If you really&nbsp;like someone, you will stay in touch. It is important to maintain&nbsp;this atmosphere of maturity and consent. Most people might not&nbsp;understand this. They might judge it, talk to random people about&nbsp;it, unnecessarily shame other guests. We just want to have some fun,&nbsp;man. As long as I am not dragging your wife out of bed, how does it&nbsp;affect you?”

Corbis-42-15234110-e1459151664614.jpg

With secret swinger parties and clubs mushrooming in India, Arnesh Ghose investigates the heady world of threesomes, foursomes and partner-swapping — first-hand.